Vilomah – a word derived from Sanskrit to describe a bereaved parent who lost their child, “against the natural order of things”. It is a word that has yet to be widely used, due to the taboos and silences surrounding the topic of losing a child during gestation, at birth or having a child prematurely who was unable to survive beyond the incubator.
We grew up believing that our young should not be buried before us. We were told that we would become hardworking adults; who would build a family hand in hand with our partners; become dedicated parents to our children and then loving grandparents to our grandchildren; before it is time for us to depart from this world. Vilomahs are parents who were dealt with an unfortunate deck of cards. Where some might say, it is ill-fated providence.
Stillborns, miscarriages and neonatal deaths are topics that are still very much a taboo, hardly talked about so openly in this society. Many of those who knew Vilomahs do not know how to approach a grieving parent. We do not fault them. It is just as hard for others to console a bereaved parent, as it is for the bereaved parent to come to terms with their loss. Grieving takes time; perhaps even a lifetime to overcome such invisible yet heart-wrenching sadness.
We are a group of Vilomahs who have personally endured through miscarriages/ stillbirths/ premature births of our precious angel children. Through this group, we endeavour to inspire and encourage other grieving parents with our writings. With the knowledge that they are not alone. Hopefully, providing them an avenue to have some closure – healing emotionally and spiritually.
From one Vilomah to another Vilomah:
Grieve the way that is right by you. Grief has no timeline. You may have lost your baby 10 years ago, but that does not mean your sadness will disappear. There will be days when it suddenly feels that it is too much to bear, that you need to spend some time to privately grieve. Do take a break from life, to just grieve.
We are there to write to you anonymously, comforting you, in your darkest moment. You may not be able to overcome your pain there and then, but take comfort that you are not alone in this journey. We know how you feel. We pray that no parent will go through what we Vilomahs had been through. It is painful. The world may move on without you. But if you need some comforting words, we are there for you.
If you happen to know someone who recently lost a child or would like to gift someone who will be celebrating his/her child’s birth or death anniversary, do message a request to ask us to write a heartfelt letter. Write in through our Facebook group (Letters to Vilomahs) or email us at vilomah.atma@gmail.com.
The Vilomahs’ Mission
(i) For The Individual Vilomah: Recognition for the bereaved parents’ losses and respect for their grief.
(ii) For Reconnecting with the Vilomah: Reaching out to bereaved parents and supporting them in starting off their healing journeys.
(iii) For Building a Vilomah-centered Community: Developing a comprehensive network where there are resources to help bereaved parents.
(iv) For a Confident Vilomah: Un-silencing the topic of child loss, so that the bereaved parent could grieve and move on positively.
This is a short chapter written by Linda Jamari and myself, Arly Khalessy on our own loss experiences. Do share with those in need. Click here to read more: Book Chapter – Letters to Vilomah
